2013??

Well, well, well...it has been a LONG time since I have posted on here. WHOA. Where has the time gone by? 2012 was an incredibly BITTERsweet year. Some moments were complete HELL and other moments were AMAZING. However, I am ready for this new year and I have one main resolution.

To. Take. Risks.

I no longer want to live life thinking "what if?"
I am going TO DO.

What is your New Years Resolution?? :) <3

Head vs. Gut

Have you ever had people tell you NOT to do something...
yet, for some strange and fucked up reason you have that
GUT feeling that you should it...no matter what other people are telling you.

I am not sure why or how I am in this particular situation but I am.
My head is saying one thing while my gut is saying another.
The battle is usually between your heart and your
head...but in this case its between my head and gut.

This battle is quite different. I have never had this strong
of a gut feeling in my life about a situation. I can only recall
a handful of times this incredibly strong yet peculiar gut feeling
occurred. Every single time...I would follow what I FELT was right.

So far...I haven't failed myself. HOWEVER, this is way too scary.
If I decide to listen to my gut it is a risk I have to be willing to take.
A HUGE risk...and I want to take it. And if I do, so be it.
BUT...if I end up fucked up I am not sure my body will
be able to recover itself.

Perhaps I will just go with the flow? We shall see.

My Story Of Passion.

Throughout my entire life I've been searching for something I was talented at. From the beginning of middle school until the time I was a junior in high school. I tried EVERYTHING from basketball, soccer, volleyball, theatre arts, dance, Academic Decathlon, speech, and so on. I found that throughout this process of finding what I was truly passionate about I discovered that I was an artsy person. I was good at acting, dancing, writing and so on. I knew that I was meant to be in that scene. I was always “good” never “amazing” or “wonderful.” I was ALWAYS just “good enough.”

Throughout middle school I was made fun of severely. Because of my fashion sense and because I was a bigger size than most girls in junior high. I developed incredibly early and had a bigger chest than most girls. I had a crazy fashion sense,was loud, and incredibly bubbly. Everyone always had something to say about me. Whether it was criticizing how nice I am, or criticizing what I was wearing, they were ALWAYS saying something negative about me. I needed instant self-gratification so I began cutting. Long story short, I got out of that phase through counseling and a lot of hard work on my part. I began to develop who I was the difficult way -- getting hurt by the people I loved the most. It was tough, and brutal but I survived. I NEVER changed who I was for anybody. I was always the loud, obnoxious, bubbly girl.

Throughout high school I would constantly get compliments on my makeup and my friends would repeatedly tell me that I should be a makeup artist. Receiving compliments was new to me. I never took it into consideration until about Junior year. I fell in love with a man who made me who I am today. If you read any of my blog posts MOST of them are about him. Anyways, senior year of high school was both AMAZING and HELL. I had constant breakdowns in and out of school. I couldn't step foot on my high school without having to remember this man. Let's just say...if you've read my poetry you understand the impact he had on me. Ever since then my wall has been up. ANYWAYS, let me not bore you with my past love life. Senior year was emotionally draining. I remember stumbling upon makeup tutorials on YouTube and somehow when watching these tutorials they would mend my emotional pain and I'd feel instant gratification through them. My mind would completely delve into what I was watching and everything around me completely disappeared.

My ENTIRE senior year I delved myself in these tutorials. I began attending MAC classes and attended a Glaminar that was taught by Kandee Johnson whom is the main reason I actually became a makeup artist. Her videos along with Makeup Geek (Marlena), Petrilude, Wayne Goss, and a couple other of Youtube Gurus were the main reason I decided to gear my focus towards a career in makeup. I would constantly go into MAC and Sephora -- ask questions and learn from the artists there. I practically lived on YouTube, MAC & Sephora. I attended IMATS and began to slowly create my kit. HONESTLY, my kit began with most of MY makeup. I realized I had a SHIT TON of makeup I wasn't using and decided to sacrifice them in order to begin my starter kit. I sanitized the shit out of EVERYTHING (which wasn’t hard because most of the stuff I didn’t even touch) and began. It first started out as fun and games. My best friend Natalie Coelho & I had a fun photoshoot inspired by Imogen Heap & Lady Gaga and the pictures actually turned out really decent. So...I started a Model Mayhem account with these pictures, made a business card and began responding to casting calls and giving out my card to EVERYONE I met! It started out as fun but then I realized I was happy on set. The happiest I was in the longest time. I felt liberated, alive, and I never saw myself smile as much as I did while I was painting faces. The more I continued getting gigs, the more I began to realize that being a makeup artist was what I wanted to do -- it was my calling.

Anyways, that's the small story of how I got into makeup. The main reason of why I am writing this is because my search if FINALLY over. This maze I've been running around in has finally ended and I have TRULY found something I am incredibly, crazy, head over heels, passionate about. Words are simply not enough to explain how much I love painting faces. I want to delve into this art in so many different ways by taking sculpting classes, drawing classes, painting classes, EVERYTHING possible. I want to get to know my art INSIDE AND OUT. The fact that I have found the love of my life is amazing -- beyond words. It is the ONE THING I KNOW I am good at. THE ONE THING. I swear...I don't have the best self-esteem, I can go on and on about things that are wrong with me but I'd rather not list that out haha. However, I am actually CONFIDENT in my work as an artist. I know I have the potential to exceed and go far and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my dreams come true.

I have come to comprehend that my career means more to me than I could ever imagine. I never thought it was possible to fall so deeply in love with this art. I am not just painting faces; I am creating art, expressing my emotion, expressing who I am through this form of art. If you have honestly come this far reading my little sappy story I truly THANK YOU. One very important thing I want to tell everyone is to NEVER...I mean NEVER give up on your dreams. Passion truly wins in the end. It really does. After all, all the geniuses are madmen after all aren't they? Let's all love and make art -- make art and love. This is what life is about. Don’t ever stop chasing.

Listen.

You know that moment you get hurt? Truly fucked up emotionally.
Then the other moment you find someone that might fuck you up...but
you are becoming mushy just thinking about them? And you know how
you DON'T want to tell them how you feel EVER...because you're afraid
of getting hurt? Well...don't listen to me. Take that risk.

Icky Stream Of Consciousness.

The day has come like the day will always come.
The moment you know you're going to end up
not living on planet earth anymore. Poof.
Proof. You'll disappear. Tis does suck. No?

Faulkner. I like Faulkner. He doesn't follow the rules.
Aren't rules meant to be broken? I feel icky.
Really icky. I hate knowing that one day
I am going to die. I keep questioning myself.
My talent. My abilities.

I feel like I'm not good enough in this moment.
In this second. I keep comparing myself to others.
Why can't I be more like this? Why can't I be more like that?
Yes. I have some self-esteem issues to overcome and I was
doing so well. Today -- I just don't feel like I'm doing as
well as I was doing. I've been through a lot.

Bullied. And hurt by the people I thought loved me.
The last thing I want to do is bully myself. I went
through a good phase of believing in myself and
I am not sure why -- all of a sudden...I am doubting myself.

Death. Scary stuff.

Gravitational pull is a concept I am not fond of.
Nor am I fond of the notion of confusion with
the gravity of the magnet inside of me pulling
me towards you. Have you TRIED separating
two magnets once they bind together?

Yea -- sure, it's possible to take them
a part but what happens after? They FORCE
themselves to be back together don't they?
It's almost like one can't be alone without the other
because if it's alone the other gravitational pull
to make that magnet a complete "whole" is gone.

You're my fucking magnet you idiot.
And I fucking love you.

What. If.

What if I told you I wanted to "fuck you like an animal."
What if I told you I wanted to be inside your mouth.
What if I told you I wanted to wake up to see your face right beside mine.
What if I told you I wanted to hold your hand -- every step of the way.
What if I told you I cared for you and wanted to just be with you.
What if I told you I didn't give a shit about your past.
What if I told you all I want to do is hold you tight against my ribs.
What if I told you I just want to see you smile.
What if I told you I want to look inside you -- and I'd still love what I see.
What if I told you I'd break all the rules for you.
What if I told you I loved everything about you.
Your tattoos. Your crazy hair. Your piercings.
Your lies. Your cries. Your guitar. Your cigarette breath.
Your whiskey musk. Your painted lips. Your un-painted lips.
Your slanted smile. Your chocolate eyes. Your adorable nose. Your little dimples.
Your enchanting hugs. Your mesmerizing kisses. Your hypnotic touch.
Your irresponsible fickleness.Your cut-up bruised fingers.
Your dried, cracked un-moisturized lips.
What if I told you. What if I told you
I loved you?

What would you say? What would you do?
Would you run away? Just like you did
the day I kissed you?

I think I might be crazy.
Just a little crazy in love with you.
Damn it. I fucking love you.

Out Of Breathe.

When I think of him, my heart begins to beat
faster and faster. My hands begins to shake,
my face heats up, my feet turn cold and
my body begins to feel weak.

When I think of him. I need to catch me breathe.
When I think of him, I can't breathe.
When I think of him, I remember our
night together. My fingertips clawing.

I didn't want it to end. It hasn't
reached the time to say goodbye.
It has only reached the time
to say, this has got to end.

My heart is calling.
It whispers I'm falling.

I Will Break.

I am so sick of being in this
little cage that she puts me in.
I am so tired of being put up on
this pedestal that I DON'T
want to be put on.

I am not perfect.
I am nowhere near it.
I make mistakes and I am
fucking HUMAN.

I might hit rock bottom, I might
not reach that point. Who the fuck knows?
AND WHO EVEN CARES??

We live to LIVE, we don't live
to be sheltered in this little cage.
We live to BREATHE and
be ALIVE. What is the point
of living if all we are doing is
trying to just survive.

I am so fucking sick
of living in this bubble.
I need a way to escape.
Now.

Smothered

I beg you. Let me go.
I can't be in this prison any longer.
I want to scream, and I want to shout.
But no one will hear me.

I'm smothered by you.
And by you I am smothered.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate
you...to an extent.

Let me live dammit, and let me be.
I'm young only once so
please, I beg you.
Let me go.

I love you, I hate you.

Is this a feeling of something
About to happen?
Like snapping out of something I didn't realize I was in.
Was I sleeping?
What? 
How can you be so sure
If you've never been here before?
I don't understand,
It can't be that easy.

I love you I hate you I love you I hate you
I can't keep my hands of you
I love you I hate you I love you I hate you

[Chorus]

Get back, get away from them
It's all wrong 
Keep calm for a moment
Look in my eyes
Get back, get away 'cause
This could get ugly
If you think that I'll let you go
You're out of your mind

Oh my god,
I'm not supposed to say this
'Cause i know that you're trouble but...
Is that your real name and why are you doing this?
And how did I get here?
Ok..no more questions,
No worries
It's destination unknown 
So dive in
The waters great
Listen I'm starting to speak like you

I love you I hate you I love you I hate you
You can do no wrong
I love you I hate you I love you I hate you 

Love Fucks You Up.

His body moves within my veins.
Every breathe I can not take.
His body shivers within my core.
Something, someone I can't ignore.
I try but all that fades to find.
The horrible lies within his eyes.
His body shakes, I can not breathe.
His body moves within my teeth.
His body shakes, I can not breathe. 
I try, but all that fails inside of me.


My veins burst, my heart's still sore.
He's in my life, he's in my core.
My body froze, I can not speak.
The light that moves towards me. 
I will do anything to disagree.
The pain that moves from my spine; down.
To try bend that upside down frown
The body moves outward me.
He's finally setting me free.


My body's cold, I can not breathe.
He finally set me free.
He locked the door to ignore me.
Though, who knew he had the key?

Lovesick.

I miss you
I love you.
I can't have you.

Put this on repeat
and then tell me what
your outcome is.

There is no beauty in the breakdown.
There is just pain, and tears.
I can't live with a broken heart.

Taping and fixing this broken piece of glass.
Alas it will never be as whole as it once was.
Maybe I'm meant to be broken.
Forever emotionally shaken.

Wanting

If you want something bad enough, don't just sit on your
ass all day and wine about it. Don't complain about not
getting what you want and being unhappy. Go ahead
and actually DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!


It's not going to be easy. The road may be a 
road to hell but once you're at your destination
all the hard work will be washed away within
a glimpse of happiness. So please, if you
want something GO AFTER IT.


I don't care how hard it may be. NOTHING
is impossible. Not unless you don't try.
Go after what you want. Make it
happen. And live your life the
way you fucking want to.


Don't let anyone determine
anything for you. That is all.

Missing In Action.

Writers Block.

Don't Say A Word.

Have you ever felt so emotionally exhausted to the
point where all you wanted to do was sleep and do
nothing else all day? Have you ever reached the point
where you don't even want to vent to anybody but all
you want to do is mope around all day?


I am disappointed in you. I am upset with myself. 
Emotionally drained, & upset is what I am. 

The Wine Glass.

You are the glass and I am the wine.
I can never leave unless you break me free.
Break, break I shall say.
But you won’t break, I’ll just
have to run away.

Run away, you wanted to break.
Run away, I wanted you to stay.
You are the glass and I am the wine.
You have power over whether you're mine.

Leave, leave, say I shall.
But you won’t leave, run away you’ll just.
I’m the wine you are the glass.
Without you, I'm nothing at last.

Shatter, shatter you screamed.
Shatter, shatter, in front of me.
You crushed and you broke free.
You shattered, shattered; shattered me.

What is the wine without the glass?
It lays dead, hanging alone at last.

I. Swear.

I swear, I'd never hurt you, because I've been hurt before.
I swear, I'd never leave you, because I've been left before.
I swear, I'd never lie to you, because I've been lied to before.
I swear, I'd never cheat on you, because I've been cheated on before.
I swear, I'd never scare you, because I've been scared before.
I swear, I'd never beat you because I've been beaten before.
I swear, I'd never haunt you, because I've been haunted before.
I swear, I'd never taunt you, because I've been taunted before.
I swear, I'd never betray you, because I've been betrayed before.
I swear, I'd never backstab you, because I've been backstabbed before.
I swear, I'd never mistreat you, because I've been mistreated before.
I swear, I'd never hurt you, because I've been hurt before.
I swear, I'd never leave you, because I've been left before.
I swore I'd never leave you, but you left me cold long ago.

Settle In Seattle.

It's raining men today. None of them are the men I want.
It's raining women today. None of them are the women I want.
It's raining today. Is the earth shedding a tear or two for me?
It's raining today. Is the earth crying it's little heart out for me?

You see, they're all in front of me. Though, I refuse

to settle. I will fight, and I will win this damn battle.

To love is to cause yourself pain. And to cause

yourself pain is to love. Tricky isn’t it?

Do you DARE settle? Do you dare settle for the achievable?
I refuse. I refuse to settle for the achievable. I will reach.

And reach I will damn it. If it's the last thing I do. The things
you say are the things I would do anything to hear. To hear
those words come out of his lips...I'd do anything.

You're on my plate and I'll eat you tonight with the rain

pouring down my eyes. Though, you're not the main dish I want.
You've given me all you've got but you're not what I want. I'm
waiting for the dessert to arrive. I'm waiting for the dessert to eat,
I'm waiting for the dessert to be placed on my seat.

Though, it never arrived. It never did. I just waited. And waited I just did. 

Explosion.

My brain feels like it's about to explode.