Where Art Thou?

I am in search for the person I once was.
Today I woke up incredibly sick and performed
the same routine I always do. Hit my alarm clock
about 20 times before actually waking up and then
washed my face, brushed my teeth, got dressed,
put on my make-up and blah, blah, blah, blah.

As I was walking out the door I realized that
I am a robot. At least I am living my life as one.
And quite frankly, I am sick of it. I am tired
of walking around all day zombified. I have numbed
myself into only working and occasionally enjoying
myself on the weekends but even THAT has turned
into a routine. Its not spontaneous any longer.

I once was a girl who was full of spunk.
I knew I wasn't the prettiest girl, the smartest
or the skinniest girl in the world but I knew that
my personality always shined through no matter
where I was. I have seemed to have lost that girl
I once was. The optimism, the smile, the energy..
it has all seemed to disappear into a foggy haze. 

I no longer know the girl I once was
and I am beginning to miss her. For she,
would never let herself down and she would
push herself constantly no matter what
situation she was in.

I have turned into this robot. This self-machine
that doesn't allow herself to feel, only work.
Currently I am desperately searching for the
spunky, fun-filled, optimistic girl I once was.  
Is she forever lost? Is she forever gone?
I certainly hope not. 

Detachment

They say if you remove yourself from the situation
that somehow, someway, everything will fall into
place and the pieces of this insane puzzle will be put together.


That is exactly what I did. I detached myself and
simply removed myself before anyone could get hurt.
Two situations. First: I detached myself too late.
Learning from my mistake was the best thing
I've ever done therefore, when the second situation
come along my path, I immediately detached myself.
I made sure that I did so, very early in the game
so my poor fragile heart, that has been toyedwith constantly wouldn't get hurt. 


The smartest decision I've ever made?
Probably. However, I can't ignore the fact
that feelings can only be buried for so long.
I put my feelings in a box, made sure it was
locked and threw them out into the ocean.
I made sure I kept myself constantly busy, but
even within those moments where I needed one second
to breathe I found myself thinking about you. It's odd.


Removing myself from the situation was supposed
to help me, not destroy my thinking process.
Things began to turn and twist and I began to
hurt more. That box eventually came rushing
back to me, even though I did not want it to.

Detachment--does that plan of action truly work?
Right now, all I can say is that it's complicated.
In a sense, it is a truly good thing that I removed myself
now before I was in too deep and got hurt once more.
Then again, did I miss out on an amazing opportunity?
I'm not sure if taking the risk was worth it, therefore
I didn't. I stayed back and watched my mind
sink into what is reality and reality alone.


Detachment: it still didn't keep me from missing you.

Life Is My Roller Coaster

Life Is Like A Ride, So They Tell You To Enjoy It. 

Though, My Question Is, How The Hell Can You "Enjoy" 

The Ride When You're Constantly Paranoid And Terrified Of Falling Off?

Confession

I have to admit that I do miss you & it's

getting harder everyday to shut you out.

That is all.

A Self-Battle

"I've Been Beaten Down, I've Been Kicked Around"

My heart, body, and mind is currently extremely
fragile. I can not handle anymore disappointments
or heartbreaks currently. I have put my body on pause,
just to let it rest. Then, there comes you, the last person I would
expect to fall for. Your smile, your eyes, your voice...they
are all perfect in my eyes. And sometimes I just want to hold
you because, I know you're in pain, but I can't do anything.
Is it selfish of me? Is it selfish that I have to distance
myself from you in order for me to heal?

At times, I do want to call or send a text. I do want
to hear your voice and I want to know you are well
but I need to separate myself. I know myself too well.
If I don't do so, I will fall hard and thats the last thing I
need to do. I need to focus on repairing myself right now.
I need to be content with myself in order to even think
of a future with you.


It is not easy for me. I'll tell you that. I love to love.
That is who I am. I've fallen in love with the concept
of love. And I've fallen in love with your personality.
I'm not necessarily stating that I am "in love." It's
way to early to even know that, but I have fallen
in love with your personality. I hope that makes sense.

Sometimes I want to take the pain away. To magically
have it disappear. Though...I can't. I've separated from you.
Is it selfish not to call you? Is it selfish not to text you when I
know you need someone? I want to, I swear I do. Though...
my hands shake every time I pick up my phone. This feeling
is terrifying and I'm still healing.

"She Is Love...She Is All I Need." 

Spring

Oh, how I love spring.
The flowers blossoming and the
sun is glistening. The world stands
still for one moment just to hear the
flowers sing. Spring makes me feel a
type of warmth. No, not because the
weather is getting hotter, but it makes me
feel all giddy inside. Sometimes I just want
to press pause on my life and watch whats
around me and appreciate that true beauty
that surrounds me every single day. Today,
I laughed more than I have laughed in quite
some time. My chest began to hurt because of
how much I was laughing. I spent it with some of
my closest friends ever. It felt good to be reunited.
No drama. no fighting. We were simply happy to
be in each others presence and recognize how much
we mean to one another because of the time we spend
a part. Therefore, every moment we spend together is
even 10x more precious. Today was a good day &
as of this moment right now, I am happy and I feel
like my soul is at rest. In a couple of days this might
change but as of this moment right now, I can truly
say that I am happy. I love my friends.

Can't Write.

I haven't been able to write for a while. I've been

trying to, but I don't know why, nothing seems to be

"flowing" out of my head onto paper or onto the

computer screen. I just know that I like this

feeling. You make me happy and I would like

to hold onto this feeling for as long as I possibly can. 

This is new, its fresh, and its simply wonderful.