Insecurity

I've realized that I am a person who has very low self-esteem.
I've always grown up with issues about how I look and its
been tough growing up with people around me continually
telling me that I'm "fat" or "ugly." Sure, they probably meant well..
but it did hurt. Sometimes I think why would you even say
such a thing to someone you supposedly "love?"


There is a fine line between saying phrases such as
"maybe we should go to the gym together, to get
healthier" and "you're fat." Yes, use euphemism people. 
Sometimes, the truth hurts, so how about telling the truth 
without being hurtful? I have suffered tremendously throughout
my life looking into the mirror and not liking what I see.


I am very good at hiding this though, I will tell you that.
I may seem confident and cheerful to you, but underneath
this exterior is a broken child. I remember a very close relative
of mine yelling at me once. This memory never seems to fade away.
This family member means the world to me and I remember when I
was young one day I was craving chocolate. We were in Vegas and I
asked if this family member could buy me a twix bar...and
this family member turned around and started yelling at me.


Not because I wanted chocolate before dinner, and not because
it was "wrong" to eat dessert before dinner but apparently it was
"wrong" for me to eat chocolate because I was "fat." The words
that came out of this persons mouth hurt me so much that until
this day when I think of this particular event I begin to cry.


This family member screamed out "LOOK AT YOURSELF
YOU ARE ALREADY AS FAT AS A COW YOU DON'T
NEED TO EAT MORE CHOCOLATE!!!" Those words...coming
out of the person that meant so much to me struck me. I was
speechless at that point and all I could feel was my body
shaking, my face heating up and my vision beginning to
blur. Water immediately filled my eyes and tears
began falling down my cheeks, like never before.


I ran to my mom crying my eyes out while I
was hardly able to breathe. It was the worst
thing anyone could ever say to me. Now every time I
look into a mirror I hate the reflection. This is only "one"
of the many encounters I have of people calling me fat. I
 remember when I was a vegetarian for quite sometime and I 
was telling a family member that and I was saying how I was very
happy that it's been a year and I'm sticking to my new life changes
and instead of the family member encouraging me and letting me know
that he/she was proud instead, this family member responded
"Haha, you're a vegetarian, how are you a vegetarian and SO fat?"


I once went to a dermatologist because I had very bad skin
when I was younger and she literally said "Look, you're fat
this is why you have acne." Who in the right mind says something like that?
I was BARELY thirteen at the time and you go ahead and say something
like that to a soul that is completely fragile? Hearing this constantly broke me
into so many little pieces that at one point in high school I lost who I was.


You see, I never in my life saw myself as "fat." I always thought
I looked normal, I was an average size. In reality, I wasn't fat nor
was I skinny, I was right in the middle. According to statistics
I was an average size, but for some reason other people decided
to call me "fat." It took me a while before I gained the courage to
lose some weight and once I did, I did feel differently. I felt
slightly better about myself but then I realized I starter becoming
obsessed with how I looked. Things that I would never notice
such as a tiny belly or love-handles have drastically become
huge in my eyes, when in reality they probably aren't as
"huge" as I claim them to be. 


Going through life I only saw myself as one thing. Fat and ugly. I
honestly never heard the word "gorgeous" or "beautiful" come out
of somebody's mouth, except for my mom. Until junior year. Someone
very special entered my life and made me feel like the most gorgeous
person on this earth. This person picked up those shattered little
pieces of me and managed to put them back together. 


I remember the day I had absolutely no makeup one, probably
only a little bit of moisturizer and some lip balm. I remember going to
talk him not thinking of the fact that I had no makeup on (had I remembered
I probably would of not gone to talk him). I remember going up to him
and while I was walking up to him he had the biggest smile on his face.
He said "Wow, I like the natural look on you, you look beautiful."
I have never, in my life heard those words come out of a somebodys
lips, let alone a guy whom did mean more to me than you'll ever know.


No matter how I looked, or what I was wearing he always made
me feel beautiful with his tone of voice, the look in his eyes, that
smile on his face. Around him, I felt like the most precious girl
alive and I truly felt beautiful. Back then, I was about 20 pounds 
heavier but he never even seemed to care about that. I know they say
"don't let a man make you feel beautiful" and so on, but this was different.
I let this guy in my life where know one has ever dared to go. He took a look
inside of me and he still cared for me after seeing me as I truly am. I can't 
describe how amazing he made me feel and he would never fail to remind
 me of how amazing I was. Either through words, through gestures or just through
 his simple face expressions. 


When he left, my world shattered. The man that picked me up off
the ground and put me back together -- left me. Can you imagine what
that did to me? To my self-esteem? To my mentality? It left me 
unbelievably broken. He took that shattered piece of glass
and gently ripped me a part. Do I regret letting him in? No.
Because if I was in the same position as he was, I would of left too.


I never again heard the words "beautiful." When he left me I would
look into the mirror and I didn't see myself any longer. I saw a monster.
A broken, fragile monster who didn't know what to do with herself.
It took me a very, very long time to heal, and in all honestly I am
STILL in the healing process. My little piece of advice from all of
this is, don't ever let someone define who you are. I know. I failed to
take my own advice, but I have learned. I am in the process of learning
to love myself, to look into the mirror and simply feel "okay." At this
point I am not even asking to feel "beautiful" although I''d love that.
I am just asking to feel "alive" and "okay" again. That is all.


One last piece of advice: Don't ever let someone else pick you up. 
Pick yourself back up, drag yourself up if you have to. If
I have done so, I would of fallen in love with this man, yes.
However, I would of not let him take a piece of me with him
as much as he did by sewing me back together. Please. Take
my advice. Learn to love yourself. If I had done that from
the start, I'd be avoiding this whole mess. Though, I am
learning, loving myself is an adventure all in itself.