Question.

When someone can automatically read you,
and they can see through you within an instant...
Do you go running away or do you stay to play the game?

And There Is Something About You.

That Is Driving Me Insane....


"Do I have to spell it out for you, or
scream it in your face? Oh, the chemistry
between us could destroy this place..."

Oh stop right there...I know...we've got something special here.

Chemistry is chemistry, and when it is felt
to the amount of such intensity that you feel like
your body can't handle it anymore, don't let that
get away. Hold onto that chemistry for as long
as you can. Hold on for as long as you can.

3 am Tears.

I often find myself crying at this hour.
I wish I could cry alone though. 
For some reason at this time of
night, certain thoughts hit me.
And they hit me hard.


I have this paranoia.
Paranoia of life. I constantly 
fear love, failure, people, trust,
school, death and just life in general.
Everything around me terrifies me.


Sometimes I wonder...what was I
put on this planet earth for? And why
in the sane hell can't I follow my dreams?
WHY am I stuck in a place where I
feel useless and completely powerless. 
I try, and try and all I do is fail. Thats 
not supposed to happen. Is it? NO.


I cry. And when I cry its because I'm
hurt, scared, terrified, scarred...and so on.
The list goes on and on. I am afraid
of life and what life has to offer me
or yet...what it "doesn't" have to offer me.


Sometimes, I feel absolutely worthless.
Useless. Stupid. Ugly. 
Not myself, and out of
my own damn skin..


I am scared, nay I am frightened. 

Sometimes You Need To Free The Animal Inside You.

acting out our neon woes deep into the night
we'll both fall like dominoes twisted by design
far too rare to let you go, sweet enough to keep
basking in your radiance hypnotizes me
when I touch you it's enough to free the animal inside

I'm drawn to you with no control
your mesmerizing lurid gaze ignites my soul
I'm drawn to you I can't control your magnetizing energy
I want you more and more

you and I could dance around prolonging this charade
or better yet let's improvise and play another game
take it off and turn me on don't wanna miss a thing
let's exercise our ignorance of what tomorrow brings
when I touch you it's enough to free the animal inside

I'm drawn to you with no control
your mesmerizing lurid gaze ignites my soul
I'm drawn to you I can't control your magnetizing energy
I want you more and more

My Heart Is On The Line...But You're Not Ready.

I join the queue on your answer phone
And all I am is holding breath
Just pick up I know you're there
Can't you hear?
I'm not myself

Well, go ahead and lie to me
You could say anything
Small talk will be just fine
Your voice is everything
We owe it to love
And it all depends on you

So listen up
The sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me you're feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(Its love on the line, can you handle it?)

So how do I do normal?
A smile I fake
the permanent wave of
cue-cards and fix-it kits
Can't you tell?
I'm not myself

I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings and fingerprints
I don't wanna feel anything but I do
And it all comes back to you

So listen up
This sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me you're feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(Its love on the line, can you handle it?)

(Hear me out)
So listen up
(This time you gotta listen to me - yeah)
Look at me straight
(Hear me out)
Just hear me out
(This time you gotta listen to me - yeah)
Don't make me wait
(Hear me out)
I'm not myself
(This time you gotta listen to me - yeah)
I can't take this
(Hear me out)
Love's on the line
Is that your final answer?

I join your queue on your answer phone
And all I am is holding breath
Just pick up, I know you're there...

So listen up
This sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me you're feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(Its love on the line, can you handle it)
Yeah

So listen up
This sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me you're feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you, you, you, you
(Its love on the line, can you handle it)

So listen up
This sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me you're feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet(Its love on the line, can you handle it)

Hallucinations

Don't you hate it when you think you
you see someone but its not the person you expect?
Or there is absolutely no one there...its all in your imagination.
All in your little tiny head that seems to misconcept the obvious. 

Recently I've been hallucinating in several
different ways. Hearing things that are
not there and seeing things that are not there.
Mostly seeing things. 


I've been seeing the people I want to see
through other people. For instance, I was
walking around my college campus today and when
I turned around I thought I saw a very good friend
of mine but then I took a second look and realized
that it wasn't anybody I knew. Other times no one
is actually there...its just me and thin air. 


I've realized these "hallucinations" keep occurring
day after day. Especially when I am stressed.
My question: Why am I hallucinating?
Is it because I actually "miss" these people
I keep thinking I'm seeing? Or is it another reason?


There has been a pattern of seeing certain people who
are not there. I only see people I care about. The 
re-occurring hallucinations is of "him." You'll be hearing
a lot about him while I'm in the healing process; I warn you now. 


Anyways, this re-occurring image of him standing
in front of me, or speaking to me; is that a sign
of healing or is that a sign of something else?
Is it a sign that my heart misses him?
Or misses the people I keep seeing?


The answer won't be clear for quite sometime.
Not until I sit down and analyze my thoughts. 
Sometimes, my heart becomes extremely
happy when I think I see someone, but in reality,
this person that I want to see is not there. 


Are my emotions so extremely strong that
I am beginning to drive myself towards insanity? 
Nay. I refuse to. However, what is it that keeps
these images in my head? Why do these images keep
popping up in my head? And why do I keep seeing
him over and over near me, when in fact, he isn't.


Does he miss me too? Is that what the universe
is trying to tell me? God knows how much I miss
this man and how much I suffer daily. I am afraid this
is a scary sign, a sign telling me that I'm gone beyond repair.
Mayday Parade is amazing. Anyways, what are these
hallucinations -- especially of him, trying to tell me? 


They're haunting me. He's haunting me.
And it's beginning to make me think.
It's beginning to frighten me.

Losing Yourself

I lost myself in the process
of finding you...and I loved
every moment of it.


I lost myself. -- yes.
However -- I found you.
Then...I found myself through you.


Is was simply....

Insecurity

I've realized that I am a person who has very low self-esteem.
I've always grown up with issues about how I look and its
been tough growing up with people around me continually
telling me that I'm "fat" or "ugly." Sure, they probably meant well..
but it did hurt. Sometimes I think why would you even say
such a thing to someone you supposedly "love?"


There is a fine line between saying phrases such as
"maybe we should go to the gym together, to get
healthier" and "you're fat." Yes, use euphemism people. 
Sometimes, the truth hurts, so how about telling the truth 
without being hurtful? I have suffered tremendously throughout
my life looking into the mirror and not liking what I see.


I am very good at hiding this though, I will tell you that.
I may seem confident and cheerful to you, but underneath
this exterior is a broken child. I remember a very close relative
of mine yelling at me once. This memory never seems to fade away.
This family member means the world to me and I remember when I
was young one day I was craving chocolate. We were in Vegas and I
asked if this family member could buy me a twix bar...and
this family member turned around and started yelling at me.


Not because I wanted chocolate before dinner, and not because
it was "wrong" to eat dessert before dinner but apparently it was
"wrong" for me to eat chocolate because I was "fat." The words
that came out of this persons mouth hurt me so much that until
this day when I think of this particular event I begin to cry.


This family member screamed out "LOOK AT YOURSELF
YOU ARE ALREADY AS FAT AS A COW YOU DON'T
NEED TO EAT MORE CHOCOLATE!!!" Those words...coming
out of the person that meant so much to me struck me. I was
speechless at that point and all I could feel was my body
shaking, my face heating up and my vision beginning to
blur. Water immediately filled my eyes and tears
began falling down my cheeks, like never before.


I ran to my mom crying my eyes out while I
was hardly able to breathe. It was the worst
thing anyone could ever say to me. Now every time I
look into a mirror I hate the reflection. This is only "one"
of the many encounters I have of people calling me fat. I
 remember when I was a vegetarian for quite sometime and I 
was telling a family member that and I was saying how I was very
happy that it's been a year and I'm sticking to my new life changes
and instead of the family member encouraging me and letting me know
that he/she was proud instead, this family member responded
"Haha, you're a vegetarian, how are you a vegetarian and SO fat?"


I once went to a dermatologist because I had very bad skin
when I was younger and she literally said "Look, you're fat
this is why you have acne." Who in the right mind says something like that?
I was BARELY thirteen at the time and you go ahead and say something
like that to a soul that is completely fragile? Hearing this constantly broke me
into so many little pieces that at one point in high school I lost who I was.


You see, I never in my life saw myself as "fat." I always thought
I looked normal, I was an average size. In reality, I wasn't fat nor
was I skinny, I was right in the middle. According to statistics
I was an average size, but for some reason other people decided
to call me "fat." It took me a while before I gained the courage to
lose some weight and once I did, I did feel differently. I felt
slightly better about myself but then I realized I starter becoming
obsessed with how I looked. Things that I would never notice
such as a tiny belly or love-handles have drastically become
huge in my eyes, when in reality they probably aren't as
"huge" as I claim them to be. 


Going through life I only saw myself as one thing. Fat and ugly. I
honestly never heard the word "gorgeous" or "beautiful" come out
of somebody's mouth, except for my mom. Until junior year. Someone
very special entered my life and made me feel like the most gorgeous
person on this earth. This person picked up those shattered little
pieces of me and managed to put them back together. 


I remember the day I had absolutely no makeup one, probably
only a little bit of moisturizer and some lip balm. I remember going to
talk him not thinking of the fact that I had no makeup on (had I remembered
I probably would of not gone to talk him). I remember going up to him
and while I was walking up to him he had the biggest smile on his face.
He said "Wow, I like the natural look on you, you look beautiful."
I have never, in my life heard those words come out of a somebodys
lips, let alone a guy whom did mean more to me than you'll ever know.


No matter how I looked, or what I was wearing he always made
me feel beautiful with his tone of voice, the look in his eyes, that
smile on his face. Around him, I felt like the most precious girl
alive and I truly felt beautiful. Back then, I was about 20 pounds 
heavier but he never even seemed to care about that. I know they say
"don't let a man make you feel beautiful" and so on, but this was different.
I let this guy in my life where know one has ever dared to go. He took a look
inside of me and he still cared for me after seeing me as I truly am. I can't 
describe how amazing he made me feel and he would never fail to remind
 me of how amazing I was. Either through words, through gestures or just through
 his simple face expressions. 


When he left, my world shattered. The man that picked me up off
the ground and put me back together -- left me. Can you imagine what
that did to me? To my self-esteem? To my mentality? It left me 
unbelievably broken. He took that shattered piece of glass
and gently ripped me a part. Do I regret letting him in? No.
Because if I was in the same position as he was, I would of left too.


I never again heard the words "beautiful." When he left me I would
look into the mirror and I didn't see myself any longer. I saw a monster.
A broken, fragile monster who didn't know what to do with herself.
It took me a very, very long time to heal, and in all honestly I am
STILL in the healing process. My little piece of advice from all of
this is, don't ever let someone define who you are. I know. I failed to
take my own advice, but I have learned. I am in the process of learning
to love myself, to look into the mirror and simply feel "okay." At this
point I am not even asking to feel "beautiful" although I''d love that.
I am just asking to feel "alive" and "okay" again. That is all.


One last piece of advice: Don't ever let someone else pick you up. 
Pick yourself back up, drag yourself up if you have to. If
I have done so, I would of fallen in love with this man, yes.
However, I would of not let him take a piece of me with him
as much as he did by sewing me back together. Please. Take
my advice. Learn to love yourself. If I had done that from
the start, I'd be avoiding this whole mess. Though, I am
learning, loving myself is an adventure all in itself.

To The End.

When something comes to an end...its sad.
To see something go away...it kind of just sucks.
Even if this something isn't a big deal, its still sad.
Its still sad to see something go away, especially
if this something has had the slightest impact on your life.


Maybe I'm a mush ball, but this something
did mean something to me. As much as I hated
it at one point, I'm going to miss it. 


I'm going to miss you. You gave me much
joy, and much happiness. At times, I hated
you...but in the end you did change a part of
my life and I am grateful for that. We
will probably never meet again.


And I want to thank you for those precious moments.
Those moments that in my heart mean to me
more than you'll ever know. 


Arrivederci, good friend.
Arrivederci

Shattered Hope

I love you exactly the way you are.
I am in love with every imperfection.
In my eyes, you are the little pieces
that put me together, those many pieces
that make me whole. Truly whole.


I am so madly, and crazy in love.
Everything you do, in my eyes
are beautiful. You are my light.
Without you, I see nothing.
Darkness is my fate that awaits.


You mean...much much more than you should mean.


"Cause you're the one that I put on a pedestal
the one who keeps coming back to me
the one that I gave my whole heart to
the one who makes me believe
I want a lover that's a side by side
I want a lover that holds me tight
I want a lover that feels like a dream
but when I wake up, hes still with me..."


You are that "lover" that holds me tight
You feel like a complete dream. There was a
point when I would wake up and there was a 
guarantee I'd see your face, and you'd be with
me for one hour more, one minute more, one second more.


I gave myself to you, my whole heart.
A piece of me is forever with you. 
And when you left you took that
piece of me with you & I want to
stop wishing you'll ever come.
Will you ever come back?
How long do I have to wait?


You gave me hope to believe, and then...shattered me.

Is It Friday Yet?

I'm In A Great Funk.

I'm ready for the weekend.
Let it deliver ecstasy.

I'm ready to lose my mind,
let my guard down and
let the dance floor unravel me.

I want to let the "crazy" out.
I'm sick of being so paranoid
and so serious about life.

Life only comes around once.
And I want to live it damn it.

Too Much Time

Some people have WAY too much time on
their hands that they begin to "think" and it
may begin to cause a negative impact upon them.


Yes tis' true...it is good to think however,
it is not good to "overthink." And thats
what these people are doing. In the
end they come to insane conclusions.


Instead I say, breathe. Breathe.
Live. And let live. Life it short. Why
worry so much and think so much?
Enjoy life and just simply live.
That it all.

You Set Fire On My Heart.

Prologue: "Quotes"

"My hands, they're strong, but my knees are far too weak

to stand in your arms without falling to your feet. But there's a side

to you that I never knew, never knew, all the things you'd say,

they were never true, never true, and the games you'd play, you

would always win, always win..."

"When laying with you I could stay there

close my eyes, feel you here forever, you

and me together, nothing is better..."

Those quotes are so significant to my heart.

Intro: "Set Fire To The Rain...Or My Heart?"

I love this version. A lot more than the original.

My question: Can you ever love something

more than the "original."

Let me try to make sense of it all.

Your first love...can they ever be replaced?

Will they always have that little flame inside

your heart as to where it can't be lit off?

Even if you threw that little flame into

the rain, can it ever truly be lit off?

"I set fire to the rain & I threw us into the flames..."

Let it burn.

Can I let us burn? Once we begin to burn,

the truth is...its unstoppable.The passion.

The lust. The flame...it will remain forever.

Forever...it will remain, burning in heat. 

What needs to be done is to set the flame out.

Take ice cold water and pour it onto the flame.

The question is: Can your first love ever fade away?

Will the flame be here...forever lit...it will stay?

DISCLAIMER: I know this song has a different meaning I am

just using chunks and portions because it triggered

a thought process. Enjoy. :)