Where Art Thou?

I am in search for the person I once was.
Today I woke up incredibly sick and performed
the same routine I always do. Hit my alarm clock
about 20 times before actually waking up and then
washed my face, brushed my teeth, got dressed,
put on my make-up and blah, blah, blah, blah.

As I was walking out the door I realized that
I am a robot. At least I am living my life as one.
And quite frankly, I am sick of it. I am tired
of walking around all day zombified. I have numbed
myself into only working and occasionally enjoying
myself on the weekends but even THAT has turned
into a routine. Its not spontaneous any longer.

I once was a girl who was full of spunk.
I knew I wasn't the prettiest girl, the smartest
or the skinniest girl in the world but I knew that
my personality always shined through no matter
where I was. I have seemed to have lost that girl
I once was. The optimism, the smile, the energy..
it has all seemed to disappear into a foggy haze. 

I no longer know the girl I once was
and I am beginning to miss her. For she,
would never let herself down and she would
push herself constantly no matter what
situation she was in.

I have turned into this robot. This self-machine
that doesn't allow herself to feel, only work.
Currently I am desperately searching for the
spunky, fun-filled, optimistic girl I once was.  
Is she forever lost? Is she forever gone?
I certainly hope not. 

Detachment

They say if you remove yourself from the situation
that somehow, someway, everything will fall into
place and the pieces of this insane puzzle will be put together.


That is exactly what I did. I detached myself and
simply removed myself before anyone could get hurt.
Two situations. First: I detached myself too late.
Learning from my mistake was the best thing
I've ever done therefore, when the second situation
come along my path, I immediately detached myself.
I made sure that I did so, very early in the game
so my poor fragile heart, that has been toyedwith constantly wouldn't get hurt. 


The smartest decision I've ever made?
Probably. However, I can't ignore the fact
that feelings can only be buried for so long.
I put my feelings in a box, made sure it was
locked and threw them out into the ocean.
I made sure I kept myself constantly busy, but
even within those moments where I needed one second
to breathe I found myself thinking about you. It's odd.


Removing myself from the situation was supposed
to help me, not destroy my thinking process.
Things began to turn and twist and I began to
hurt more. That box eventually came rushing
back to me, even though I did not want it to.

Detachment--does that plan of action truly work?
Right now, all I can say is that it's complicated.
In a sense, it is a truly good thing that I removed myself
now before I was in too deep and got hurt once more.
Then again, did I miss out on an amazing opportunity?
I'm not sure if taking the risk was worth it, therefore
I didn't. I stayed back and watched my mind
sink into what is reality and reality alone.


Detachment: it still didn't keep me from missing you.

Life Is My Roller Coaster

Life Is Like A Ride, So They Tell You To Enjoy It. 

Though, My Question Is, How The Hell Can You "Enjoy" 

The Ride When You're Constantly Paranoid And Terrified Of Falling Off?

Confession

I have to admit that I do miss you & it's

getting harder everyday to shut you out.

That is all.

A Self-Battle

"I've Been Beaten Down, I've Been Kicked Around"

My heart, body, and mind is currently extremely
fragile. I can not handle anymore disappointments
or heartbreaks currently. I have put my body on pause,
just to let it rest. Then, there comes you, the last person I would
expect to fall for. Your smile, your eyes, your voice...they
are all perfect in my eyes. And sometimes I just want to hold
you because, I know you're in pain, but I can't do anything.
Is it selfish of me? Is it selfish that I have to distance
myself from you in order for me to heal?

At times, I do want to call or send a text. I do want
to hear your voice and I want to know you are well
but I need to separate myself. I know myself too well.
If I don't do so, I will fall hard and thats the last thing I
need to do. I need to focus on repairing myself right now.
I need to be content with myself in order to even think
of a future with you.


It is not easy for me. I'll tell you that. I love to love.
That is who I am. I've fallen in love with the concept
of love. And I've fallen in love with your personality.
I'm not necessarily stating that I am "in love." It's
way to early to even know that, but I have fallen
in love with your personality. I hope that makes sense.

Sometimes I want to take the pain away. To magically
have it disappear. Though...I can't. I've separated from you.
Is it selfish not to call you? Is it selfish not to text you when I
know you need someone? I want to, I swear I do. Though...
my hands shake every time I pick up my phone. This feeling
is terrifying and I'm still healing.

"She Is Love...She Is All I Need." 

Spring

Oh, how I love spring.
The flowers blossoming and the
sun is glistening. The world stands
still for one moment just to hear the
flowers sing. Spring makes me feel a
type of warmth. No, not because the
weather is getting hotter, but it makes me
feel all giddy inside. Sometimes I just want
to press pause on my life and watch whats
around me and appreciate that true beauty
that surrounds me every single day. Today,
I laughed more than I have laughed in quite
some time. My chest began to hurt because of
how much I was laughing. I spent it with some of
my closest friends ever. It felt good to be reunited.
No drama. no fighting. We were simply happy to
be in each others presence and recognize how much
we mean to one another because of the time we spend
a part. Therefore, every moment we spend together is
even 10x more precious. Today was a good day &
as of this moment right now, I am happy and I feel
like my soul is at rest. In a couple of days this might
change but as of this moment right now, I can truly
say that I am happy. I love my friends.

Can't Write.

I haven't been able to write for a while. I've been

trying to, but I don't know why, nothing seems to be

"flowing" out of my head onto paper or onto the

computer screen. I just know that I like this

feeling. You make me happy and I would like

to hold onto this feeling for as long as I possibly can. 

This is new, its fresh, and its simply wonderful. 

Oh Kiss Me. ;)

;)

Fragile

If I gave you the key to my heart,
would you break it? 

Indescribable

Usually I write to express myself.  For some odd reason, I can't seem to put words into 
my own thoughts. It's like my brain is some type of insane disorganized mess and I am able to see 
the words floating in there however, I can not grab them and put them together in order to form a 
single sentence.  Words are just floating in thin air and I can't seem to think straight. In a sense, I'm still
 floating on thin air and I never want  to feel the ground again. I'm confused with myself and with 
others around me lets just leave it at that and lets dance.

P.S Your smile drives me insane. 

 

Am I Asking For Too Much?

Eyes Closed By Lene Marlin 

She could have, when she's had a chance to miss him
She could have kissed him, and you never would have known
She could have, when he asked if there is someone else
She could have said there's no one else, and you never would have known

Her eyes are closed, all she sees is your face
All she needs is your touch, is that asking too much?
She'll take you to that place, where nothing would feel better,
Just knowing that you're with her

She could have, when he asked to hold her hand
She could have given him her hand, and you never would have seen
What would happen if she did so, what the ending would be like...

Her eyes are closed, all she sees is your face
All she needs is your touch, is that asking too much?
She'll take you to that place, where nothing would feel better,
Just knowing that you're with her

And in a way you're with her. In a way you never left her
But she misses you still, she misses you still

Her eyes are closed, all she sees is your face
All she needs is your touch, is that asking too much?
She'll take you to that place, Where nothing would feel better,
Just knowing that you're with her 

His Scars & The Shattered Tears

Did you know, hidden by his clothes there are some scars

Some are recent, some have been there for years

Did you know It doesn't even hurt

It never really hurts, but there are tears

Do you want the real story, or do you prefer the lie

Do you want to see him smile, or maybe see him cry

Do you want to follow, or let him go alone

For then, never to know... never to know

Have you seen the way he acts sometimes

And when you ask, he'll say that he's okay.

Have you seen how well he pretends

Laughs out loud, before he looks away

Do you want the real story, or do you prefer the lie

Do you want to see him smile, or maybe see him cry

Do you want to follow, or let him go alone

For then, never to know... never to know 

Empty.

I Feel Empty.

You cut me out in little stars
And place me in the sky
I lose my sense of time

You know me
How troubled I can be
But through your kaleidoscope
I let go

'Cause you show me
The world as it could be
Through your kaleidoscope
It's beautiful


A tingle travels up my spine
A cluster of colors and twine
As we melt into wine

You know me
How troubled I can be
But through your kaleidoscope
I let go

'Cause you show me
The world as it could be
Through your kaleidoscope
It's beautiful

Kaleidoscope
Kaleidoscope
Kaleidoscope

Forming.

I could mold and form myself into what you want me to be.
But your love would never be enough for me.
You could never love me as much as I need.
Even if i shape and tape myself into what you want me to be.
Your love, will never be able to satisfy me.
It might never be able to set me free.


I would mold and form myself just for you.
But in the end, it isn't me. It isn't true. 

Work.

Work and only work sometimes saves you.
Having too much time to think might destroy you.
Some days you need to just work and not play.
Other days all you need to do is play.


Tonight is the night I need to work
and not think. Thinking can be dangerous.
Very. Very. Dangerous.