Monday, January 31, 2011

Shattered Pieces On The Floor

Today, I was walking around my college campus
and on my way to the library I realized I was stepping
on some kind of yellow colored glass that was
completley shattered all over the floor.

I maneuvered my way around making sure
not to step in anything, in order not to hurt myself. 
While I was walking I realized I was the "only"
person to walk through that specific path
to get to the library.

Ironically enough, I'd be the one who'd pass
through the shattered glass on the floor perfectly
describing how I've been feeling the past couple of days.

Then I began to question myself. Am I the shattered
glass that was spread all over the floor? And if so
how in the world do I pick up the pieces and
desperately put them back together.

Maybe I'm meant to be shattered?
Isn't perfection overrated anyways?
Those pieces on the floor were
art in my eyes. They weren't shattered
pieces. Maybe I'm just shattered art.

Shattered art I am? If so, then so be it.

Pretty Woman

I was watching the movie "Pretty Woman"
yesterday and I started wondering
and asking myself questions.

The main character of the movie, Julia Roberts
is a hooker and falls in love with this business man.
He hires her to be his "partner" for a week so he
has someone with him on the trip to boost his chances of buying companies.

They spend a week together. 7 days, 24 hours a day.
Thats about 168 hours that they spent together.

My question is: Is it possible to fall in love in a time spam of only a week?
Doesn't that seem a little unrealistic? Or, is the fact that they did
spend an entire week together makes it possible for them to fall in love?

If I were to date someone and lets say see them everyday
for about an hour that would only be 30 hours that I've seen them
after an entire month of dating. Sure I'd know them for a month but
would that even be equivalent to knowing someone for a week and
spending time with them everyday for much more than only an hour?

I just began wondering, can a week of spending time
with someone, day and night even be considered
equivalent to dating someone for a month?

It took me one year to fall in love,
is it possible to fall in love in a time
spam of only one week?

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Comfortably Numb

"Can you show me where it hurts?"

I am currently in a position where
I am comfortably numb.

I can't figure out whether I like it or not.
Listen to the song. Close your eyes
& listen to the lyrics. 

"I can't explain you would not understand. This is not how I am"
It's as simple as the lyrics in this song. 
The lyrics are me and I am the lyrics.
We are together. We are one. 

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Rosy Cheeks.

"You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line...If I said...I miss you."

This song completely explains how I'm currently
feeling at 4am. It's absolutely amazing.

I can not begin to explain how much I miss the
little things. His rosy cheeks, his smile,
his voice. His voice. I can always
distinguish if its him talking or not.

I miss his touch. His scent. His stupid
jokes that made me laugh so much.
The little things he'd say to make me smile.
The things he'd do just to make me happy.

His support. I truly miss his support.
No one, other than a few handful of people
have supported me the way he did.

I swear, the list could go on forever.
The bottom line is "I miss you."

Friday, January 28, 2011

Bad Body Double Trouble

Is it possible for me to have my "own" bad body double trouble.
Not another person trying to be me, but me trying to
fit into what I want, what I want me to be.

As in, that I am still shaping and molding
myself into who I want to be. Of course, it's
a process and I'm still not there yet but currently,
I am having bad body double trouble.

What exactly do I mean by this? I honestly
don't know. Is it that I have two in me
as one? One side of me and another
side that is being shaped and fixed into
perfection, or imperfection.

Thats another topic. Perfection.
I've realized I'm so caught up with
being perfect while dealing with my
"bad body double." The "new"
and shaped me is supposed to be perfected.

Is there such a thing as perfection though?
No, there isn't and honestly shouldn't
imperfection be considered perfection?
Or at least beautiful?

Half the time I don't know what I'm talking about
and I just like to rant my thoughts honestly.

"I've got bad body double trouble.
She's trouble. She's trouble. She's trouble alright"

Am I the trouble? Am I standing in the
way of breaking down that wall of
reaching who I want to be?

Or is who I want to be, not
really me? Is it something that is far
beyond my reach and I should just stay content
with who I am right now and strive for
better rather than editing, fixing, cutting
and shaping me into something I wish
to be? I don't know the answer.

Its just odd thinking that I'm desperately
wanting to be something else or somebody else.
There are moments I'd like to crawl out of my skin
and step into another person. It's odd.

It's many, many concepts mushed
into one person that is nearly impossible to attain.

Should I just be content with me?
Or should I keep molding and fixing myself?
When will the fixing stop though?
Will it ever?

I dont know. 

I am In Love With You

My Current Theme Song.
I am In Love With You.
It's as simple as that.

I absolutely adore Imogen Heap. Anytime I need
a song that describes how I am feeling I go to her.

"I am in love with you"
It's as simple as that. I am in love
and it's with you. Funny eh?
Love is funny. A little mad.
A lot mad. Who am I kidding?
Love IS madness, especially
in my very twisted situation.

"Oh hey baby don't you run away
come here and finish what you started"
Oh he'll run away alright. He always
runs away because fear has taken over his life.

Its funny how he pretends that he hasn't
started anything yet he runs away. Does
that make sense? Am I even making sense?

At one point in the song she says
"No don't get yourself in situations,
darling that you can't handle."
He can't handle me. Apparently
he isn't "ready." I am the situation 
that he can't handle and I
understand that. I kind of have
to try to understand it. Again it's all
from fear that is attached to him.

The phrase "No one will know, if you forget yourself,
No one will know, that you forget yourself"
I know I forget who I am when I'm with
him. I lose myself within him. I'm not sure if
he does the same, but I've seen a side of
him that no one has ever seen. A side people
would be shocked to see. I'm assuming he
forgets himself and just "lives." It's something
he tends to forget. Is to "live for the moment."

Towards the end of the song she keeps
repeating "Come on into my bed with me,
I know you want to." She wheels him into bed
and in the end after she gets what she wants
she says "I'm not in love with you."

To me this can mean two things.
One: He went into bed with her and she
decided to rip his heart out like he did and
after getting what she wanted she said
"I'm not in love with you."

Or Two: He doesn't go into bed
with her and she's trying to convince herself
that she isn't in love with this man any longer
by repeating over and over that she isn't
"in love with you." 

Both analyzations are probably wrong but
in my head this is what it means. I prefer 
neither honestly. I'd rather have him come into
bed with me and stay there. Hurting him is something
I'd never be able to do because I know whats it's
like to be hurt. Convincing myself that I'm not
in love is impossible. It's like trying to convince
myself that I'm not a girl. Yea, really bad
example but you know what I mean right?

It's just impossible because in the
end I am in love with you. Convincing
myself otherwise would just be faulty. 

Thursday, January 27, 2011

________ At Its Finest.

This song has been on repeat all day. I'm not even sure if
it relates to what I'm going through, but in a sense,
in some twisted way, it does. More than I think.

For some odd reason I find this song most

comforting right now, especially in this very 
weak position I am currently in. 

"I'm learning to fall, I can hardly breathe."
The thing is, I've already fallen, and I can't breathe.
I've fallen quite hard, a little too hard. Maybe to
the point where its actually terrifying and
unhealthy. I spent three hours at the gym today.

Ask me what I had to eat all day. I dare you.

P.S Fill In The Blank.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Trouble Sleeping

"Today is the day the worst day of my life."

I felt like that was my theme line of the day, yesterday.
I had one of the worst nights I have ever experienced in
the longest time. I don't think I've ever had this much
trouble sleeping in about two years.

Getting myself out of bed, was a challenge. I feel as if
someone is "very slowly" ripping my heart out. Enough
to cause me the damage, the hurt, and the pain but not
enough to rip it out completely. At one point
my heart is going to be dangling, still not
ripped out, and it won't be able to be ripped
out for another 2 years and 4 months.

Not until I receive a concrete answer.

Now making myself food to eat. I can't
even look at food without feeling the need to
regurgitate. I have absolutely no appetite today.
I honestly just want to curl up in bed, & make conversations
with voices inside my head. At least they stick around.

I haven't done anything all day besides lay in bed,
and deal with nightmares I keep having every 2 seconds.
It's weird to think that I can hardly breathe, and that my body
can feel as weak as it does right now. The last time I remember
feeling this type of pain was June 2009.

Is there ever beauty in the breakdown?
How can hearts breaking, and bodies
aching be considered beautiful?

In the end is there beauty in the breakdown?
It's only beautiful if he comes to my rescue.
Don't fall in love kids, theres no such thing
as "beauty" in the breakdown.

Carrie & Mr. Big

If you've ever seen the show Sex & The City, you know
about the famous couple Carrie & Mr. Big. They go through
many, many trials and bumpy roads to end up happily married.
My life consists of many bumpy roads as of right now.

His exact words were "I'm not ready."
My question is "When will he actually be ready?"
Will he ever be ready? Rules are his strings.
I don't have any strings. I believe in love.
He does too. He's just afraid. Maybe terrified?

As simple as it is. I'm upset. I'm simply hurt.
You'd think after a year and six months I'd fall out of love? No.
I could never. My heart is lingering. I went to him.
I went for closure. What did I receive? More questions
to contemplate about, more possibilities eating my brain away.

My heart is sore.
My tears are dry.

Carrie & Mr. Big ended up together, after
years and years of madness. What will
happen to us? Only time can tell.