Gravitational pull is a concept I am not fond of.
Nor am I fond of the notion of confusion with
the gravity of the magnet inside of me pulling
me towards you. Have you TRIED separating
two magnets once they bind together?

Yea -- sure, it's possible to take them
a part but what happens after? They FORCE
themselves to be back together don't they?
It's almost like one can't be alone without the other
because if it's alone the other gravitational pull
to make that magnet a complete "whole" is gone.

You're my fucking magnet you idiot.
And I fucking love you.

What. If.

What if I told you I wanted to "fuck you like an animal."
What if I told you I wanted to be inside your mouth.
What if I told you I wanted to wake up to see your face right beside mine.
What if I told you I wanted to hold your hand -- every step of the way.
What if I told you I cared for you and wanted to just be with you.
What if I told you I didn't give a shit about your past.
What if I told you all I want to do is hold you tight against my ribs.
What if I told you I just want to see you smile.
What if I told you I want to look inside you -- and I'd still love what I see.
What if I told you I'd break all the rules for you.
What if I told you I loved everything about you.
Your tattoos. Your crazy hair. Your piercings.
Your lies. Your cries. Your guitar. Your cigarette breath.
Your whiskey musk. Your painted lips. Your un-painted lips.
Your slanted smile. Your chocolate eyes. Your adorable nose. Your little dimples.
Your enchanting hugs. Your mesmerizing kisses. Your hypnotic touch.
Your irresponsible fickleness.Your cut-up bruised fingers.
Your dried, cracked un-moisturized lips.
What if I told you. What if I told you
I loved you?

What would you say? What would you do?
Would you run away? Just like you did
the day I kissed you?

I think I might be crazy.
Just a little crazy in love with you.
Damn it. I fucking love you.

Out Of Breathe.

When I think of him, my heart begins to beat
faster and faster. My hands begins to shake,
my face heats up, my feet turn cold and
my body begins to feel weak.

When I think of him. I need to catch me breathe.
When I think of him, I can't breathe.
When I think of him, I remember our
night together. My fingertips clawing.

I didn't want it to end. It hasn't
reached the time to say goodbye.
It has only reached the time
to say, this has got to end.

My heart is calling.
It whispers I'm falling.

I Will Break.

I am so sick of being in this
little cage that she puts me in.
I am so tired of being put up on
this pedestal that I DON'T
want to be put on.

I am not perfect.
I am nowhere near it.
I make mistakes and I am
fucking HUMAN.

I might hit rock bottom, I might
not reach that point. Who the fuck knows?
AND WHO EVEN CARES??

We live to LIVE, we don't live
to be sheltered in this little cage.
We live to BREATHE and
be ALIVE. What is the point
of living if all we are doing is
trying to just survive.

I am so fucking sick
of living in this bubble.
I need a way to escape.
Now.

Smothered

I beg you. Let me go.
I can't be in this prison any longer.
I want to scream, and I want to shout.
But no one will hear me.

I'm smothered by you.
And by you I am smothered.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate
you...to an extent.

Let me live dammit, and let me be.
I'm young only once so
please, I beg you.
Let me go.

I love you, I hate you.

Is this a feeling of something
About to happen?
Like snapping out of something I didn't realize I was in.
Was I sleeping?
What? 
How can you be so sure
If you've never been here before?
I don't understand,
It can't be that easy.

I love you I hate you I love you I hate you
I can't keep my hands of you
I love you I hate you I love you I hate you

[Chorus]

Get back, get away from them
It's all wrong 
Keep calm for a moment
Look in my eyes
Get back, get away 'cause
This could get ugly
If you think that I'll let you go
You're out of your mind

Oh my god,
I'm not supposed to say this
'Cause i know that you're trouble but...
Is that your real name and why are you doing this?
And how did I get here?
Ok..no more questions,
No worries
It's destination unknown 
So dive in
The waters great
Listen I'm starting to speak like you

I love you I hate you I love you I hate you
You can do no wrong
I love you I hate you I love you I hate you 

Love Fucks You Up.

His body moves within my veins.
Every breathe I can not take.
His body shivers within my core.
Something, someone I can't ignore.
I try but all that fades to find.
The horrible lies within his eyes.
His body shakes, I can not breathe.
His body moves within my teeth.
His body shakes, I can not breathe. 
I try, but all that fails inside of me.


My veins burst, my heart's still sore.
He's in my life, he's in my core.
My body froze, I can not speak.
The light that moves towards me. 
I will do anything to disagree.
The pain that moves from my spine; down.
To try bend that upside down frown
The body moves outward me.
He's finally setting me free.


My body's cold, I can not breathe.
He finally set me free.
He locked the door to ignore me.
Though, who knew he had the key?

Lovesick.

I miss you
I love you.
I can't have you.

Put this on repeat
and then tell me what
your outcome is.

There is no beauty in the breakdown.
There is just pain, and tears.
I can't live with a broken heart.

Taping and fixing this broken piece of glass.
Alas it will never be as whole as it once was.
Maybe I'm meant to be broken.
Forever emotionally shaken.

Wanting

If you want something bad enough, don't just sit on your
ass all day and wine about it. Don't complain about not
getting what you want and being unhappy. Go ahead
and actually DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!


It's not going to be easy. The road may be a 
road to hell but once you're at your destination
all the hard work will be washed away within
a glimpse of happiness. So please, if you
want something GO AFTER IT.


I don't care how hard it may be. NOTHING
is impossible. Not unless you don't try.
Go after what you want. Make it
happen. And live your life the
way you fucking want to.


Don't let anyone determine
anything for you. That is all.

Missing In Action.

Writers Block.

Don't Say A Word.

Have you ever felt so emotionally exhausted to the
point where all you wanted to do was sleep and do
nothing else all day? Have you ever reached the point
where you don't even want to vent to anybody but all
you want to do is mope around all day?


I am disappointed in you. I am upset with myself. 
Emotionally drained, & upset is what I am. 

The Wine Glass.

You are the glass and I am the wine.
I can never leave unless you break me free.
Break, break I shall say.
But you won’t break, I’ll just
have to run away.

Run away, you wanted to break.
Run away, I wanted you to stay.
You are the glass and I am the wine.
You have power over whether you're mine.

Leave, leave, say I shall.
But you won’t leave, run away you’ll just.
I’m the wine you are the glass.
Without you, I'm nothing at last.

Shatter, shatter you screamed.
Shatter, shatter, in front of me.
You crushed and you broke free.
You shattered, shattered; shattered me.

What is the wine without the glass?
It lays dead, hanging alone at last.

I. Swear.

I swear, I'd never hurt you, because I've been hurt before.
I swear, I'd never leave you, because I've been left before.
I swear, I'd never lie to you, because I've been lied to before.
I swear, I'd never cheat on you, because I've been cheated on before.
I swear, I'd never scare you, because I've been scared before.
I swear, I'd never beat you because I've been beaten before.
I swear, I'd never haunt you, because I've been haunted before.
I swear, I'd never taunt you, because I've been taunted before.
I swear, I'd never betray you, because I've been betrayed before.
I swear, I'd never backstab you, because I've been backstabbed before.
I swear, I'd never mistreat you, because I've been mistreated before.
I swear, I'd never hurt you, because I've been hurt before.
I swear, I'd never leave you, because I've been left before.
I swore I'd never leave you, but you left me cold long ago.

Settle In Seattle.

It's raining men today. None of them are the men I want.
It's raining women today. None of them are the women I want.
It's raining today. Is the earth shedding a tear or two for me?
It's raining today. Is the earth crying it's little heart out for me?

You see, they're all in front of me. Though, I refuse

to settle. I will fight, and I will win this damn battle.

To love is to cause yourself pain. And to cause

yourself pain is to love. Tricky isn’t it?

Do you DARE settle? Do you dare settle for the achievable?
I refuse. I refuse to settle for the achievable. I will reach.

And reach I will damn it. If it's the last thing I do. The things
you say are the things I would do anything to hear. To hear
those words come out of his lips...I'd do anything.

You're on my plate and I'll eat you tonight with the rain

pouring down my eyes. Though, you're not the main dish I want.
You've given me all you've got but you're not what I want. I'm
waiting for the dessert to arrive. I'm waiting for the dessert to eat,
I'm waiting for the dessert to be placed on my seat.

Though, it never arrived. It never did. I just waited. And waited I just did. 

Explosion.

My brain feels like it's about to explode.

100th Post.

Happy 100th Post.
Let's just be happy.
That's all.

Bomb Fires.

Everything just hit me all at once.
What did I do? And how the hell
could I allow myself to be so foolish?

I needed to let it off my chest. I needed
him to know I fell in love with him. Whether
he felt the same way or not. I just hope he
realizes what he's missing out on.

I'm not the person who thinks she's
amazing. In fact, I'm the complete opposite.
However, I will tell you this. You will NEVER
meet anyone, who loved you as much as I did
or still do. Let's just say "we could of had it
all...rolling in the deep"

I fell in love with a man. I fell down because of love
and I'm unable to get out. Over him, I wish
to be. Over him, I'll be eventually.

I gave you all of me. And you just laughed.

The Charmer....

Is In The Lead.

Yet, I know it's wrong
I want to give in to my desire.
It's not too bad to give in...is it?
Will power is overrated anyways. ;) 

The Unique Man Vs. The Charmer.

Have you ever met such an amazing man
that you couldn't classify him as anything other
than the "unique man." You call him this name
because he is different. Different than all of

the other men you have met. There is something
just absolutely breathe taking about this man.
His energy makes you want to dance. His

atmosphere makes you unbelievably comfortable
that you unintentionally blurt out stuff he's not supposed
to know. Everything about this man is stunning. You
can't imagine any other person who would made you
feel this amazing. You smile when you hear his
voice, feeling warmth. He's absolutely gorgeous
from the inside out.

But then...there's another man. There is
the infamous, cliche and generic "charmer."
You're immediately attracted to this man
at the mere sight of him. His sexy gaze is striking.
You obviously know this man is a charmer,
he just can't turn it off but you still manage to
get sucked in. It's only human nature. He makes
you feel special, but he does that to the rest of
the women as well. Even though you know this,
it feels good to feel appreciated right? All of
a sudden you are unaware, twirling your hair,
smiling unconsciously. Your legs are trembling,
your heart it beating, and your eyes are dilating.
Oh, he definitely has you under his charming spell.
He's attractive, sweet, and makes you feel wanted.

Who would you choose?
The Unique Man or The Charmer?

I Hate This Feeling.

I always drive myself insane.

I hate this feeling of happiness

but feeling that there's still something missing.

Searching for it is just as bad. I want

this feeling to go away....now. 

That is all.

When The Sun Hits The Ground.

During the day, I'm okay but when the sun fades away
everything comes traveling up my spine once again.
I haven't talked about "him" in a while, my mind has
been traveling non-stop, trying to circulate around anything
but him or love for that matter. I still miss him and some
nights are truly so much harder than others.

You know what hurts even more? Trying.
It's when I try to find someone and when I do
find someone who makes me happy they're either
not interested, already taken or there's some other conflict
keeping me from being with a person that makes me happy.

I think that's the worst part, is opening yourself up and having
yourself hurt once more. How much can a single broken heart
handle? I don't know, but I'm still breathing and loving life. Nights
like these are just hard sometimes. However, "nothing will keep this
heart from beating." Thank you Mayday Parade.

Nights Like These...

I am Sad.

Strong

I hate seeming weak.

However, I am emotionally drained.

That is all. 

Go Ahead

Go ahead and rip my heart.

I am nothing but your disastrous art.

Show me off and she me proud.

Leave my head up in the clouds
and hear my heartbeat tearing loud.

Go ahead and twist me into pieces.

My body and soul everyday decreases.

Tell me that you love me and lie to my face.

Oh, I thought you wanted the chase?

The game you play, you twist and turn --

every head, every wound, and every burn.

Make us believe that you're in love &

you'll be the only person we ever think of.

Though, that is not the case. We lacked your charm and grace.

Dear heart, don't you cry. You're better off alone, 

rather than being caught in her big web of clever lies.

Roller Coaster.

I've Been Living A Roller Coaster.

A Moody, Amazing & Terrifying Roller Coaster.

The Moment

When you feel your heart dropping, your
mouth drying, your hands shaking and your
body going completely numb...do you
know that feeling? Because I know
it awfully too well...too well.

She Will Break You.

Her art is to break you.
Her mouth bleed words --
words, that are consistently untrue.

She will never set you free.
She'l leave your heart in misery
with a beaming smile upon her face.

Your beating heart is her toy.
Her plot is to simply destroy.
She doesn't unravel. She never does.

She hides behind that mask she calls her face.
Tearing you a part without a sound, your
heart she will misplace.

Its a toy, only a toy for her.
It means nothing, nothing to her.
Yet, she fell in love knowing
all this.Yet, she fell in love
without a sound, without
a drop, without a tear
in her beating heart.

If It's Meant To Be...

If It's Meant To Be 

Then It Will Happen

Oh & Did I Mention Today

Is My Birthday? The 28th Of May!
 Happy Birthday To Me! Yay! 

Fixing

Fixing and taping and repairing. 

I'm almost whole again.

It was always you...you that

I was looking desperately for.

That hole in my chest is slowly

begin to close and it feels amazing.

Unexpected

A very unexpected breakdown happened tonight.

I seem to worry way to much about way too many things.

It's kind of draining, tiring, physically and emotionally exhausting.

I'm scared of the future and what might and might not happen.

I realized I'm still in love with you...but I miss someone else.

I was feeling so happy. I don't know how I got sucked into

this state of worry, paranoia, and lack of confidence again.

I'm too tired to handle all this over and over again. 

I need to mentally calm the fuck down.
My body is exhausted. 

Content

I am incredibly content with my life as of late.

I am happy and it feels amazing to be happy.

I can be the happiest girl alive if I take one

step...that one step which I am not sure 

I should take. Because if I do...I might 

destroy that "okay" state of mind which

I am currently in. The state of mind that I've

been struggling to reach and once I have reached

this stage its scary, taking any risky steps.
Therefore, my question is, should I take this gamble?

If I take this risk, its either nothing or everything.

If I don't, I stay content, and finally in the stage

of my recovery where I can finally say that "I am okay."

I never thought I'd reach this stage, and I finally have.

To risk it all or not to risk it all? That my dear, is the question. 

Detached & Happy

I am detached and happy.

 Happy and detached I am. 

I'm not happy because I am detached but I realized 

happiness is possible even while detaching myself. 

 I've recently been feeling confident and proud to be 

in my own skin. Such a very odd feeling for me but for 

once in my life I can say that I am "okay" with myself. 

 I'm learning to appreciate who I am

 and it is the best feeling in the world. 

That is all. :)

P.S I am A Hot Pink Tree 
(Only my Glaminar sisters will understand this)

Digging a hole and the walls are caving in
Behind me, airs gettin thin but I'm trying,
I'm breathing in, come find me

It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home...before you

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way,
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I can't get my mind off of you

I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it,
Thats part of it all, part of the beauty of falling in love with you,
Is the fear you wont fall


It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home...before you

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I can't get my mind off of you

And I hate the phone,
But I wish you'd call,
Thought being alone,
Was better than, was better than...

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I can't get my mind off of you, can't get my mind off of you

Tough Nights

Tough nights haunt me once more.

When will these tough nights go away?
Days are becoming harder. The sun is
beginning to burn. The dark is beginning
to hurt. When will this pain begin to stop?
Everything you said...running through my head.
Your words are on constant repeat...endlessly.
I would like to press pause to this pain. Please.

Touch

I find myself unable to sleep at night.
Partially because I have an incredible amount
of shit to do for college but for the most part
that is not what is on my mind. It's you.


I'm the type of person who falls quickly.
I know this about myself. Lately, Ive been
keeping my guard up because I can not 
let my body break down on me again.

I've been through too much in my lifetime
to let myself fall a part once more. I have finally
taped myself back together and picked myself up
off the floor. I sometimes find myself right where I started.
In pieces. It's scary to feel again. I've been numb for so
long it is an insanely scary to feel; to know that I can fall
so quick, so fast, so hard.

I love to love. That is who I am, without trying to be.
It is good to know I am still able to feel. It's good
not to feel numb. It's not good knowing that in order
to protect myself I need to detach myself. My walls
can not tumble down once again. Right now, in
this moment, I need to protect myself. Until
I am ready to open up once more.

You make me comfortable & I feel as if your tough is enough.
This hurts much more than I had anticipated it would.

I'm In Love...With A Stranger.

You close the doors
Make your way to me slowly
Lay down next to me
Trace the outlines of my face

This was not part of the plan
I was just on my way
You make me comfortable

This is love with a stranger
Just the touch is enough
I let go with a stranger
Just to see, if I still feel

No questions, please don't ask
Please don't worry 'bout the past
This is love with a stranger
When I walk out the door
You won't see me no more
This is love with a stranger

I drifted away
Lost myself in the current
Let my eyelids fall heavy
Hypnotized by our heart beats

This was not part of the plan
I was just on my way
You make me comfortable

This is love with a stranger
Just the touch is enough
I let go with a stranger
Just to see, if I still feel

No questions, please don't ask
Please don't worry 'bout the past
This is love with a stranger
When I walk out the door
You won't see me no more
This is love with a stranger
I barely even know your name
Be easy, let's keep it simple
Just enjoy the moment, baby
Relax and close your eyes
When you wake up in the morning light
Don't act like you're surprised
I'll disappear into the night
I'll vanish like a ghost
oooh

This is love with a stranger
Just the touch is enough
I let go with a stranger
Just to see, if I still feel
This is this is love, love with a stranger
This is this is love, love with a stranger
This is this is love, love with a stranger
This is this is love, love with a stranger

Where Art Thou?

I am in search for the person I once was.
Today I woke up incredibly sick and performed
the same routine I always do. Hit my alarm clock
about 20 times before actually waking up and then
washed my face, brushed my teeth, got dressed,
put on my make-up and blah, blah, blah, blah.

As I was walking out the door I realized that
I am a robot. At least I am living my life as one.
And quite frankly, I am sick of it. I am tired
of walking around all day zombified. I have numbed
myself into only working and occasionally enjoying
myself on the weekends but even THAT has turned
into a routine. Its not spontaneous any longer.

I once was a girl who was full of spunk.
I knew I wasn't the prettiest girl, the smartest
or the skinniest girl in the world but I knew that
my personality always shined through no matter
where I was. I have seemed to have lost that girl
I once was. The optimism, the smile, the energy..
it has all seemed to disappear into a foggy haze. 

I no longer know the girl I once was
and I am beginning to miss her. For she,
would never let herself down and she would
push herself constantly no matter what
situation she was in.

I have turned into this robot. This self-machine
that doesn't allow herself to feel, only work.
Currently I am desperately searching for the
spunky, fun-filled, optimistic girl I once was.  
Is she forever lost? Is she forever gone?
I certainly hope not. 

Detachment

They say if you remove yourself from the situation
that somehow, someway, everything will fall into
place and the pieces of this insane puzzle will be put together.


That is exactly what I did. I detached myself and
simply removed myself before anyone could get hurt.
Two situations. First: I detached myself too late.
Learning from my mistake was the best thing
I've ever done therefore, when the second situation
come along my path, I immediately detached myself.
I made sure that I did so, very early in the game
so my poor fragile heart, that has been toyedwith constantly wouldn't get hurt. 


The smartest decision I've ever made?
Probably. However, I can't ignore the fact
that feelings can only be buried for so long.
I put my feelings in a box, made sure it was
locked and threw them out into the ocean.
I made sure I kept myself constantly busy, but
even within those moments where I needed one second
to breathe I found myself thinking about you. It's odd.


Removing myself from the situation was supposed
to help me, not destroy my thinking process.
Things began to turn and twist and I began to
hurt more. That box eventually came rushing
back to me, even though I did not want it to.

Detachment--does that plan of action truly work?
Right now, all I can say is that it's complicated.
In a sense, it is a truly good thing that I removed myself
now before I was in too deep and got hurt once more.
Then again, did I miss out on an amazing opportunity?
I'm not sure if taking the risk was worth it, therefore
I didn't. I stayed back and watched my mind
sink into what is reality and reality alone.


Detachment: it still didn't keep me from missing you.

Life Is My Roller Coaster

Life Is Like A Ride, So They Tell You To Enjoy It. 

Though, My Question Is, How The Hell Can You "Enjoy" 

The Ride When You're Constantly Paranoid And Terrified Of Falling Off?

Confession

I have to admit that I do miss you & it's

getting harder everyday to shut you out.

That is all.

A Self-Battle

"I've Been Beaten Down, I've Been Kicked Around"

My heart, body, and mind is currently extremely
fragile. I can not handle anymore disappointments
or heartbreaks currently. I have put my body on pause,
just to let it rest. Then, there comes you, the last person I would
expect to fall for. Your smile, your eyes, your voice...they
are all perfect in my eyes. And sometimes I just want to hold
you because, I know you're in pain, but I can't do anything.
Is it selfish of me? Is it selfish that I have to distance
myself from you in order for me to heal?

At times, I do want to call or send a text. I do want
to hear your voice and I want to know you are well
but I need to separate myself. I know myself too well.
If I don't do so, I will fall hard and thats the last thing I
need to do. I need to focus on repairing myself right now.
I need to be content with myself in order to even think
of a future with you.


It is not easy for me. I'll tell you that. I love to love.
That is who I am. I've fallen in love with the concept
of love. And I've fallen in love with your personality.
I'm not necessarily stating that I am "in love." It's
way to early to even know that, but I have fallen
in love with your personality. I hope that makes sense.

Sometimes I want to take the pain away. To magically
have it disappear. Though...I can't. I've separated from you.
Is it selfish not to call you? Is it selfish not to text you when I
know you need someone? I want to, I swear I do. Though...
my hands shake every time I pick up my phone. This feeling
is terrifying and I'm still healing.

"She Is Love...She Is All I Need." 

Spring

Oh, how I love spring.
The flowers blossoming and the
sun is glistening. The world stands
still for one moment just to hear the
flowers sing. Spring makes me feel a
type of warmth. No, not because the
weather is getting hotter, but it makes me
feel all giddy inside. Sometimes I just want
to press pause on my life and watch whats
around me and appreciate that true beauty
that surrounds me every single day. Today,
I laughed more than I have laughed in quite
some time. My chest began to hurt because of
how much I was laughing. I spent it with some of
my closest friends ever. It felt good to be reunited.
No drama. no fighting. We were simply happy to
be in each others presence and recognize how much
we mean to one another because of the time we spend
a part. Therefore, every moment we spend together is
even 10x more precious. Today was a good day &
as of this moment right now, I am happy and I feel
like my soul is at rest. In a couple of days this might
change but as of this moment right now, I can truly
say that I am happy. I love my friends.

Can't Write.

I haven't been able to write for a while. I've been

trying to, but I don't know why, nothing seems to be

"flowing" out of my head onto paper or onto the

computer screen. I just know that I like this

feeling. You make me happy and I would like

to hold onto this feeling for as long as I possibly can. 

This is new, its fresh, and its simply wonderful. 

Oh Kiss Me. ;)

;)

Fragile

If I gave you the key to my heart,
would you break it? 

Indescribable

Usually I write to express myself.  For some odd reason, I can't seem to put words into 
my own thoughts. It's like my brain is some type of insane disorganized mess and I am able to see 
the words floating in there however, I can not grab them and put them together in order to form a 
single sentence.  Words are just floating in thin air and I can't seem to think straight. In a sense, I'm still
 floating on thin air and I never want  to feel the ground again. I'm confused with myself and with 
others around me lets just leave it at that and lets dance.

P.S Your smile drives me insane. 

 

Am I Asking For Too Much?

Eyes Closed By Lene Marlin 

She could have, when she's had a chance to miss him
She could have kissed him, and you never would have known
She could have, when he asked if there is someone else
She could have said there's no one else, and you never would have known

Her eyes are closed, all she sees is your face
All she needs is your touch, is that asking too much?
She'll take you to that place, where nothing would feel better,
Just knowing that you're with her

She could have, when he asked to hold her hand
She could have given him her hand, and you never would have seen
What would happen if she did so, what the ending would be like...

Her eyes are closed, all she sees is your face
All she needs is your touch, is that asking too much?
She'll take you to that place, where nothing would feel better,
Just knowing that you're with her

And in a way you're with her. In a way you never left her
But she misses you still, she misses you still

Her eyes are closed, all she sees is your face
All she needs is your touch, is that asking too much?
She'll take you to that place, Where nothing would feel better,
Just knowing that you're with her 

His Scars & The Shattered Tears

Did you know, hidden by his clothes there are some scars

Some are recent, some have been there for years

Did you know It doesn't even hurt

It never really hurts, but there are tears

Do you want the real story, or do you prefer the lie

Do you want to see him smile, or maybe see him cry

Do you want to follow, or let him go alone

For then, never to know... never to know

Have you seen the way he acts sometimes

And when you ask, he'll say that he's okay.

Have you seen how well he pretends

Laughs out loud, before he looks away

Do you want the real story, or do you prefer the lie

Do you want to see him smile, or maybe see him cry

Do you want to follow, or let him go alone

For then, never to know... never to know 

Empty.

I Feel Empty.

You cut me out in little stars
And place me in the sky
I lose my sense of time

You know me
How troubled I can be
But through your kaleidoscope
I let go

'Cause you show me
The world as it could be
Through your kaleidoscope
It's beautiful


A tingle travels up my spine
A cluster of colors and twine
As we melt into wine

You know me
How troubled I can be
But through your kaleidoscope
I let go

'Cause you show me
The world as it could be
Through your kaleidoscope
It's beautiful

Kaleidoscope
Kaleidoscope
Kaleidoscope

Forming.

I could mold and form myself into what you want me to be.
But your love would never be enough for me.
You could never love me as much as I need.
Even if i shape and tape myself into what you want me to be.
Your love, will never be able to satisfy me.
It might never be able to set me free.


I would mold and form myself just for you.
But in the end, it isn't me. It isn't true. 

Work.

Work and only work sometimes saves you.
Having too much time to think might destroy you.
Some days you need to just work and not play.
Other days all you need to do is play.


Tonight is the night I need to work
and not think. Thinking can be dangerous.
Very. Very. Dangerous.

Question.

When someone can automatically read you,
and they can see through you within an instant...
Do you go running away or do you stay to play the game?

And There Is Something About You.

That Is Driving Me Insane....


"Do I have to spell it out for you, or
scream it in your face? Oh, the chemistry
between us could destroy this place..."

Oh stop right there...I know...we've got something special here.

Chemistry is chemistry, and when it is felt
to the amount of such intensity that you feel like
your body can't handle it anymore, don't let that
get away. Hold onto that chemistry for as long
as you can. Hold on for as long as you can.

3 am Tears.

I often find myself crying at this hour.
I wish I could cry alone though. 
For some reason at this time of
night, certain thoughts hit me.
And they hit me hard.


I have this paranoia.
Paranoia of life. I constantly 
fear love, failure, people, trust,
school, death and just life in general.
Everything around me terrifies me.


Sometimes I wonder...what was I
put on this planet earth for? And why
in the sane hell can't I follow my dreams?
WHY am I stuck in a place where I
feel useless and completely powerless. 
I try, and try and all I do is fail. Thats 
not supposed to happen. Is it? NO.


I cry. And when I cry its because I'm
hurt, scared, terrified, scarred...and so on.
The list goes on and on. I am afraid
of life and what life has to offer me
or yet...what it "doesn't" have to offer me.


Sometimes, I feel absolutely worthless.
Useless. Stupid. Ugly. 
Not myself, and out of
my own damn skin..


I am scared, nay I am frightened. 

Sometimes You Need To Free The Animal Inside You.

acting out our neon woes deep into the night
we'll both fall like dominoes twisted by design
far too rare to let you go, sweet enough to keep
basking in your radiance hypnotizes me
when I touch you it's enough to free the animal inside

I'm drawn to you with no control
your mesmerizing lurid gaze ignites my soul
I'm drawn to you I can't control your magnetizing energy
I want you more and more

you and I could dance around prolonging this charade
or better yet let's improvise and play another game
take it off and turn me on don't wanna miss a thing
let's exercise our ignorance of what tomorrow brings
when I touch you it's enough to free the animal inside

I'm drawn to you with no control
your mesmerizing lurid gaze ignites my soul
I'm drawn to you I can't control your magnetizing energy
I want you more and more

My Heart Is On The Line...But You're Not Ready.

I join the queue on your answer phone
And all I am is holding breath
Just pick up I know you're there
Can't you hear?
I'm not myself

Well, go ahead and lie to me
You could say anything
Small talk will be just fine
Your voice is everything
We owe it to love
And it all depends on you

So listen up
The sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me you're feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(Its love on the line, can you handle it?)

So how do I do normal?
A smile I fake
the permanent wave of
cue-cards and fix-it kits
Can't you tell?
I'm not myself

I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings and fingerprints
I don't wanna feel anything but I do
And it all comes back to you

So listen up
This sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me you're feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(Its love on the line, can you handle it?)

(Hear me out)
So listen up
(This time you gotta listen to me - yeah)
Look at me straight
(Hear me out)
Just hear me out
(This time you gotta listen to me - yeah)
Don't make me wait
(Hear me out)
I'm not myself
(This time you gotta listen to me - yeah)
I can't take this
(Hear me out)
Love's on the line
Is that your final answer?

I join your queue on your answer phone
And all I am is holding breath
Just pick up, I know you're there...

So listen up
This sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me you're feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(Its love on the line, can you handle it)
Yeah

So listen up
This sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me you're feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you, you, you, you
(Its love on the line, can you handle it)

So listen up
This sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me you're feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet(Its love on the line, can you handle it)

Hallucinations

Don't you hate it when you think you
you see someone but its not the person you expect?
Or there is absolutely no one there...its all in your imagination.
All in your little tiny head that seems to misconcept the obvious. 

Recently I've been hallucinating in several
different ways. Hearing things that are
not there and seeing things that are not there.
Mostly seeing things. 


I've been seeing the people I want to see
through other people. For instance, I was
walking around my college campus today and when
I turned around I thought I saw a very good friend
of mine but then I took a second look and realized
that it wasn't anybody I knew. Other times no one
is actually there...its just me and thin air. 


I've realized these "hallucinations" keep occurring
day after day. Especially when I am stressed.
My question: Why am I hallucinating?
Is it because I actually "miss" these people
I keep thinking I'm seeing? Or is it another reason?


There has been a pattern of seeing certain people who
are not there. I only see people I care about. The 
re-occurring hallucinations is of "him." You'll be hearing
a lot about him while I'm in the healing process; I warn you now. 


Anyways, this re-occurring image of him standing
in front of me, or speaking to me; is that a sign
of healing or is that a sign of something else?
Is it a sign that my heart misses him?
Or misses the people I keep seeing?


The answer won't be clear for quite sometime.
Not until I sit down and analyze my thoughts. 
Sometimes, my heart becomes extremely
happy when I think I see someone, but in reality,
this person that I want to see is not there. 


Are my emotions so extremely strong that
I am beginning to drive myself towards insanity? 
Nay. I refuse to. However, what is it that keeps
these images in my head? Why do these images keep
popping up in my head? And why do I keep seeing
him over and over near me, when in fact, he isn't.


Does he miss me too? Is that what the universe
is trying to tell me? God knows how much I miss
this man and how much I suffer daily. I am afraid this
is a scary sign, a sign telling me that I'm gone beyond repair.
Mayday Parade is amazing. Anyways, what are these
hallucinations -- especially of him, trying to tell me? 


They're haunting me. He's haunting me.
And it's beginning to make me think.
It's beginning to frighten me.

Losing Yourself

I lost myself in the process
of finding you...and I loved
every moment of it.


I lost myself. -- yes.
However -- I found you.
Then...I found myself through you.


Is was simply....

Insecurity

I've realized that I am a person who has very low self-esteem.
I've always grown up with issues about how I look and its
been tough growing up with people around me continually
telling me that I'm "fat" or "ugly." Sure, they probably meant well..
but it did hurt. Sometimes I think why would you even say
such a thing to someone you supposedly "love?"


There is a fine line between saying phrases such as
"maybe we should go to the gym together, to get
healthier" and "you're fat." Yes, use euphemism people. 
Sometimes, the truth hurts, so how about telling the truth 
without being hurtful? I have suffered tremendously throughout
my life looking into the mirror and not liking what I see.


I am very good at hiding this though, I will tell you that.
I may seem confident and cheerful to you, but underneath
this exterior is a broken child. I remember a very close relative
of mine yelling at me once. This memory never seems to fade away.
This family member means the world to me and I remember when I
was young one day I was craving chocolate. We were in Vegas and I
asked if this family member could buy me a twix bar...and
this family member turned around and started yelling at me.


Not because I wanted chocolate before dinner, and not because
it was "wrong" to eat dessert before dinner but apparently it was
"wrong" for me to eat chocolate because I was "fat." The words
that came out of this persons mouth hurt me so much that until
this day when I think of this particular event I begin to cry.


This family member screamed out "LOOK AT YOURSELF
YOU ARE ALREADY AS FAT AS A COW YOU DON'T
NEED TO EAT MORE CHOCOLATE!!!" Those words...coming
out of the person that meant so much to me struck me. I was
speechless at that point and all I could feel was my body
shaking, my face heating up and my vision beginning to
blur. Water immediately filled my eyes and tears
began falling down my cheeks, like never before.


I ran to my mom crying my eyes out while I
was hardly able to breathe. It was the worst
thing anyone could ever say to me. Now every time I
look into a mirror I hate the reflection. This is only "one"
of the many encounters I have of people calling me fat. I
 remember when I was a vegetarian for quite sometime and I 
was telling a family member that and I was saying how I was very
happy that it's been a year and I'm sticking to my new life changes
and instead of the family member encouraging me and letting me know
that he/she was proud instead, this family member responded
"Haha, you're a vegetarian, how are you a vegetarian and SO fat?"


I once went to a dermatologist because I had very bad skin
when I was younger and she literally said "Look, you're fat
this is why you have acne." Who in the right mind says something like that?
I was BARELY thirteen at the time and you go ahead and say something
like that to a soul that is completely fragile? Hearing this constantly broke me
into so many little pieces that at one point in high school I lost who I was.


You see, I never in my life saw myself as "fat." I always thought
I looked normal, I was an average size. In reality, I wasn't fat nor
was I skinny, I was right in the middle. According to statistics
I was an average size, but for some reason other people decided
to call me "fat." It took me a while before I gained the courage to
lose some weight and once I did, I did feel differently. I felt
slightly better about myself but then I realized I starter becoming
obsessed with how I looked. Things that I would never notice
such as a tiny belly or love-handles have drastically become
huge in my eyes, when in reality they probably aren't as
"huge" as I claim them to be. 


Going through life I only saw myself as one thing. Fat and ugly. I
honestly never heard the word "gorgeous" or "beautiful" come out
of somebody's mouth, except for my mom. Until junior year. Someone
very special entered my life and made me feel like the most gorgeous
person on this earth. This person picked up those shattered little
pieces of me and managed to put them back together. 


I remember the day I had absolutely no makeup one, probably
only a little bit of moisturizer and some lip balm. I remember going to
talk him not thinking of the fact that I had no makeup on (had I remembered
I probably would of not gone to talk him). I remember going up to him
and while I was walking up to him he had the biggest smile on his face.
He said "Wow, I like the natural look on you, you look beautiful."
I have never, in my life heard those words come out of a somebodys
lips, let alone a guy whom did mean more to me than you'll ever know.


No matter how I looked, or what I was wearing he always made
me feel beautiful with his tone of voice, the look in his eyes, that
smile on his face. Around him, I felt like the most precious girl
alive and I truly felt beautiful. Back then, I was about 20 pounds 
heavier but he never even seemed to care about that. I know they say
"don't let a man make you feel beautiful" and so on, but this was different.
I let this guy in my life where know one has ever dared to go. He took a look
inside of me and he still cared for me after seeing me as I truly am. I can't 
describe how amazing he made me feel and he would never fail to remind
 me of how amazing I was. Either through words, through gestures or just through
 his simple face expressions. 


When he left, my world shattered. The man that picked me up off
the ground and put me back together -- left me. Can you imagine what
that did to me? To my self-esteem? To my mentality? It left me 
unbelievably broken. He took that shattered piece of glass
and gently ripped me a part. Do I regret letting him in? No.
Because if I was in the same position as he was, I would of left too.


I never again heard the words "beautiful." When he left me I would
look into the mirror and I didn't see myself any longer. I saw a monster.
A broken, fragile monster who didn't know what to do with herself.
It took me a very, very long time to heal, and in all honestly I am
STILL in the healing process. My little piece of advice from all of
this is, don't ever let someone define who you are. I know. I failed to
take my own advice, but I have learned. I am in the process of learning
to love myself, to look into the mirror and simply feel "okay." At this
point I am not even asking to feel "beautiful" although I''d love that.
I am just asking to feel "alive" and "okay" again. That is all.


One last piece of advice: Don't ever let someone else pick you up. 
Pick yourself back up, drag yourself up if you have to. If
I have done so, I would of fallen in love with this man, yes.
However, I would of not let him take a piece of me with him
as much as he did by sewing me back together. Please. Take
my advice. Learn to love yourself. If I had done that from
the start, I'd be avoiding this whole mess. Though, I am
learning, loving myself is an adventure all in itself.